Words I never said.

"It’s so loud inside my head
With words that I should have said
As I drown in my regrets
I can’t take back the words I never said"
Lupe Fiasco

I've never disliked someone as much as I hated her.
 Not even in high school, when it was filled with petty jealousy,
self-centered girls and immature boys, and all that ridiculous drama.
This was different, I resented her down to my core.

It was exactly what I feared,
You going back to her.
My intuition didn't lie to me,
I knew something was there.
Whether it was unreciprocated,
or a lingering feeling. I knew it.

Actions spoke louder than words.

The worst part to it was we had just broken up,
we were talking about getting back together. 
A few days passed and when I was ready,
you told me I was too late.

My heart sank into the darkest crevice of my soul,
the next few days were numb and torturous
spent insomnia-plagued and painstakingly alone. 

 We spoke again, you realized what you were losing
and you wanted to try again.
I happily agreed, naive of the truth. 

After a week, you started to doubt our relationship,
saying this wouldn't work out and that I was the problem.

Little did I know, the truth would be unveiled.

Our relationship was "time sensitive" before
because she told you she still liked you.
It was "too late" when I was ready
because you already hooked up with her. 

I felt like a damn fool.

All this time, I thought I was at fault
that I made the mistake, but in reality
it was you. 

I don't even hate her anymore,
I hate everything connected to her. 

Every reminder of
how heart broken I felt,
how when I think about it now I get
choked up and I'm at a loss of words.

But most importantly looking back at
how weak I was for staying with you.

As much as I want to say I forgive him,
and what's in the past is in the past.
I'm still bitter and every reminder
of her only salts my wounds.
I'm not angry at her anymore.
 I'm angry that it happened, 
and that he let it happen.
The fact that he never told me,
and that I knew in the pit of my stomach

with who. 

I could never write this because it only 
solidified that it happened, and that I accepted it.

I would have to remember the pain.

That was over a year ago,
and my heart still aches. 

And I'm still with him to this day.

These are the words I never said.

Hiatus?

WOW. I haven't logged on in over a year.

I've missed Xanga.

I haven't read through my subscriptions in so long!

This makes me nostalgic.

I can't remember when I've said
I'm happy and meant it whole-heartedly .

That's just plain sad .

I wonder when the sadness and anger will go away 
because nothing's terribly wrong in my life .
Everything's okay: school, family, friends, boyfriend.

and yet I feel so ridiculously alone sometimes. 

I just feel selfish for wanting more out of my life

 Typical me. I expect a whole lot, and I just get disappointed .
 

God, I don't know where I would be without my best friends though <3
They make me feel whole again, when to be honest I don't feel like myself  .

and when I'm with them-- I actually feel like things are going to be okay.

i'm sick and tired of saying it's fine

cause it's not.

I just feel stuck.

edit;
I miss writing here, but when I do
I feel like I don't make sense anymore